Onward and Upward

now i really am thankful for blogger. i mean seriously. i cant sleep (which is surprising) since the past couple of days, i'm sleepy as early as 9. weird. i've been on this laptop for. since around 8.30 and it's almost 5.30 in the morning now. i checked all my email accounts, updated my online photo albums, went through wedding sites a gazillion times, read my friends' sites, i've been playing with the template code of my blog (changing font, font size, line spacing, photos, width, colors, lay-out), i've visited pretty much all the regular sites go to and i'm still not sleepy. still have my make-up on and i have a medical check-up at 11, around 6 hours later. this is great. more than being an insomiac. whatever. i emailed my friends in manila. ive gone hungry and ate again. still not sleepy. this is so unhealthy.

so what have i been thinking? i don't know. all jumbled, like as if it were a spectrum that when you look into, the picture scatters in some way. i thought about manila, my dog coffee. i thought about how it's like to be pregnant. can i still wear stilettos? and where can i buy those pregnancy exercise dvds? do i go to a gym? what's going to happen this sunday? will i make it to the carmelite later at 3pm? what do i wear later? i didnt get to finish shrek. sad about it. i only watched the first 24 minutes of it. maybe i'll just watch it after this post. yeah, to feel better. this is my 3rd post for today. then i thought of my wedding gown. i want it long. will i wear my hair up or down?

sometimes i hope that i'm one of those people who don't really care about stuff a lot. stuff as in little and serious stuff. sometimes i envy them because they seem to worry less. yeah, that's the word, worry. i read that worry is a needless fear. do i agree? im not even sure. worry is like a thought. it gets to your head faster than you think. like, bam, it's there. sometimes, i also wish i'm one of those forgetful people. it's easier to let go. like, there's that sense of freedom from things and people. when people say they forgot, it's like a dead end, that's it. that's the deepest you can go. here i am again, thinking too much. i don't want to think too much anymore. im getting tired. maybe it's better just not to care anymore. after all, maybe it doesn't matter.