Onward and Upward

yesterday was easter. it was a light-hearetd morning. I felt at point it is my best easter ever. best even if i heard mass by myself, then i just met up with the parentals afterwards. i felt good. waking up, putting my green tube dress one,wearing my new aldo shoes, gripping on my new brown coach bag and putting on a genuine smile - all for easter. i dawned on me how much in the past i have taken for granted occassions like these. just thinking ow much loved we are by the one God. i felt happy, and safe. when i was younger, every lent, particularly good friday and black saturday, i felt vulnerable to the bad side, thinking that because Jesus is dead, but it shed a whole new perspective to me as i sat to hear mass for the easter vigil and the easter mass. i was happy about the clp and lifted everything to Him. i wish i could do more of that. i'll try.

after the mass, i went to the parents' house. mom cooked fried rice and rice cakes that i can bring to the easter picnic. she made those for me so i didn't have to buy for the potluck. i went home to change into something else than wear my green dress to picnic. when i got home, i was talking with hubby, a certain topic came up and we ended discussing some things i didnt want to hear or know about. no arguments whatsoever, we were never like that. that's one thing i love about our relationship. we can be frustrated with the situation but not with each other. anyway, i was waiting for kate to get ready and when she finally was, we left to go to the other house to pick up the food mom made. as he put it, there were moments of silence in between. yeah there were, a part of me wished we never even talked about it. i won't deny it got me upset but better now than later. then kate and i finally made it to the cfc easter picnic. said very few hellos to some people. i think, somehow, i purposely made a graceful exit going to my car because of my discussion with hubby. kuya raul was asking if i'm okay since he said i looked worried. i think what made it worse was that other people asking about him and how we are and that how much they know i miss him and hoped he was there with me. thanks! i never bothered to discuss it with anyone. so, as i was walking to my car, i heard him sniffling. i asked, and then he told me, it got him really sad about how he was missing out on all the gatherings over here. he heard all the hellos and the noise. he cried about it. honestly, it surprised me that our discussion took the back seat instantly. it bothered him more that he's been missing out. yeah, i could see it is lonely over there, no family, no familiar friends. everything there might seem instant, and so as they get lost in thin air, the people you know there i meant. it's not like it's a bad thing that it mattered more, it just got me thinking. of course, i decided to sit in my car and stay with my husband as we talked about it. the whole far-away, missing out on so many things scenario. i got clearly see how much of a sacrifice this is taking up on him, and what's sadder about it is i could only do so much to make it better. i didn't afford going back to the picnic until he was all better. talking about it helped, i'd choose to be there with him, like that, than be anywhere else - in a heartbeat. he' the most important thing in my life. eventually, he felt better and was getting a little hungry. decided to go back to the picnic scene. some friends were asking what's up with me. why i had to sit in my car. quite a number of my friends saw me so maybe they mentioned it when they got there. i said i just had a session with hubby. then they started saying how much they know he wanted to be there. it was always about him, how sad he is. but it hit me, yeah, i have more people around me here in jax but that does not erase the fact that he's still somewhere else but here - with me. nobody asked how i felt about it, nobody. always about him. i guess i'm better playing the tough one, though i was really sad the whole time. i think i've trained myself like this at a very young age. very few people have seen me cry over pain and frustrations, very few. oh well.

i played volleyball with the guys. it's good to do something physical specially that it's been awhile. i was glad for the company. kate and i left the picnic around six. kate had stuff to do and i could use the extra time for some solitude. it turned out, not much of a solitude. i talked with hubby a bit. things are better. i said my piece, he said his and i realized, i had to let it all go (the issue). i made my choice. i drew out my last straw of being upset. i laid everything out. but he had to go, conversation paused.

i did a quick trip to the other house to get dinner and something else. mission accomplished and chatted with dad for a bit. like a sight for sore eyes. he tells me how much he cares and all that. he's always been there and he tells me how it makes him sad hubby and i are moving to montana. maybe because he never had a daughter, and then i came. anyway, i came back home not too long after. then hubby called and conversation resumed.

we talked about it. i said what i felt, he told me what he meant. i heard just the right words i needed to hear and that set everything on a higher level. i promised myself not to let the unnecessary occur a long time ago, and i'm sad that sometimes, it still happens. i was getting tired of the sick cycle. resolutions for easter - of course we were okay.

the first time i heard that song from yesterday's blog, i liked it right away for some reason. eventhough i was not sure if it was a sad song or more of an angry song. i've always wanted to post it, and it was only yesterday that i finally did.

today, i woke up, feeling better and went to work. funny, i texted hubby and my message kind of contributed to a suspense moment when he called me around lunch. haha! funny! record-keeping okay? after almost 4 hours at work, i started feeling sick. my back started aching so bad, i was getting nauseous, felt like puking (sorry, im not pregnant). i knew i had to go home, as lalot said so too. i think she, in the world, undertands the most when my back starts hurting. when i was driving, i was praying so hard for me to make it safe. driving while you're feeling sick was not easy at all. i was glad kate was still home, she helped me out. i gulped painkillers, dabbed bengay then dozed off. woke up to hubby's call. music to my ear. as the night grew deeper, i felt better and here i am blogging.

oh well, i think this easter had made its mark. after all the feelings put in my invisible blender, it's still the best just yet. i'm still glad. cheers to high spirits. I LOVE YOU bebe!

then i stumbled into a site and found this, i just got to put it here too. what do you say baby?